The Gift of Surrender
I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I have no idea how to give up. The bad news is that I have no idea how to give up. Let me explain.
As a little girl, I was sexually abused, experienced violence and alcoholism in my home, and moved every few years. My challenges led me inward where I found something in myself that has never left me – an uncanny, almost supernatural ability to never give up. Even when I have wanted to give up, I can’t do it. I have described this thing in me like a candle flame that can’t be extinguished. No matter the pelting rain or massive wind—it is always there. Awesome and maddening. Glowing bright or sometimes ever so dimly and yet never, ever going out.
I love that about myself. It’s useful in so many aspects of my life from athletics and academics, to being an entrepreneur and a good friend. But guess what. There are times in life when you need to give up to move forward. You need to give up so you can heal. You need to give up so you can grow up. Even in your 50’s.
Why is this in my awareness right now? Because after being divorced for 9 years, and never giving up looking for the partner I believe is out there for me; after getting back in the ring every time it didn’t work out and OMG fighting to the death to make it work—I find myself in another break-up. This one came out of the blue. Three months in, there was zero indication that anything wasn’t working—he’d even invited me to his family reunion. So it was a shock with no real explanation. There doesn’t have to be an explanation. He was done. I’m sad and disappointed. And ok, a little angry. But moving on, right? Nope. I have spent the last week suffering way more than the situation calls for, going over and over how I could have made this work. I can’t give it up and move on. Pause. What’s up with that?
I’ve been using my breath practice, hiking, and journaling to sit with that question. The answer hit me in shower today. What’s up is the terrified little girl I used to be is still trying to run the relationship show. For her, giving up was literally not an option. She was and is determined to stay safe by being connected to someone who she believes won’t leave her so she can survive. She believes if she ever gives up, she will die. There was a time decades ago when that was true. Obviously, that time is decades past. I am thriving as an adult. I have agency and creativity and accomplishments. I love having a life partner and I don’t need one to survive. I have a new business that I am passionate about, amazing friends and colleagues, and I certainly have the fuel and drive to make things work—to solve problems—to create a beautiful life. The intensity I feel is from a dark, wounded place that is finally seeing the light. So how do I change this narrative—heal this old wound?
I can reframe the “giving up.” I can practice surrender. I can teach that little-girl-me that it’s okay to give up. And necessary at times. I have to practice what I preach: pause and notice, breathe, keep moving my body, and journal. As I do that practice, I find compassion for myself and allow the woman that I am right now to surrender this old way of managing my life. I have a new mantra: I am my own safety.
Surrender is awareness in action. Surrendering is an act of courage and strength. I’m not saying it’s easy. It is really hard for me. With practice, it becomes familiar and eventually easier. Surrender opens the path to healing and expands possibility. Today, I am aware that what I am feeling is not about a 3-month relationship. It is the grief over the lost time and energy spent determined not to give up when giving up was exactly what needed to happen. One more bit of good news—the gift of surrender is release. Release from the inner places and old patterns of behavior that no longer serve and actually block me from receiving the very things I am seeking. Surrender dissolves obstacles. Surrender is the gateway to change.
Journal about this: Is there a place in your life where it is time to surrender? Notice. Breathe. Move a little. Journal some more. I wish you courage and peace on your journey. Stay connected via Instagram and Facebook @kidssuperjournal and sign up for my newsletter at www.kidssuperjournal.com.
My next blog is about my journey creating the Kids Super Journal. I am so close to having the book ready for you—maybe a week away. This moment is offering me the opportunity to deepen the awareness I already have about why this book is so important to me. I want to help you empower your children to manage life’s challenges and embrace life’s joys with the same tools that saved my life and enable me today, in this moment, to keep healing and growing with a smile.